Sunday, February 16, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Review-Journal

            
COLUMN: Vin Suprynowicz

Don't worry, the government is in charge

If some hustler sends me something through the mail that I didn't order, and then tries to collect the amount he billed me, do I have to pay?

Of course not.

If you throw something on my property without my permission and I decide to keep it, can I be charged with a crime for "looting" the stuff you threw on my property?

Of course not ... unless the careless litterer is -- you know -- the federal government.

The nation's editorial pages are full of self-righteous outrage, these days, at residents of Texas and Louisiana who are reputedly failing to "turn in" all the pieces of space junk that dropped on their property when the space shuttle Columbia broke up on re-entry earlier this month.

Why is it "looting" to keep something that was dropped on my property without my permission? The first instinct, I suppose, is to respond by whining that this is a crime investigation, and all citizens must cooperate.

But is it? A crime investigation? What's the likelihood anyone at NASA will be indicted for murder or negligent manslaughter? If there's any such likelihood, why isn't this investigation being handled by the homicide division of the Texas Rangers?

So that argument doesn't work.

Have the federals thought of offering to buy anything brought in to help them facilitate this so-called "investigation"? Of course not. Because the federal government -- just like Prince John claiming to own all the deer in Sherwood Forest, just like any feudal overlord -- figures it already owns all the private property in Texas and Louisiana, along with the wages and daily lives of all the people living there. The peasants are merely tolerated so long as they pay their rents and follow orders.

Oh, you callous brute!, the usual gang of suspects is shouting by now. People died! Don't you want to know why?!

I know why. They placed their lives in the caring, competent hands of a federal government agency determined to continue spending billions of dollars keeping itself afloat, even if it long ago ran out of anything more important to do than sending little kids' ant farms into space in the most expensive, cumbersome, useless aluminum buses ever built by the hand of man.

In point of fact, the residents of rural Texas and Louisiana currently being threatened with prosecution for "looting" the overpriced garbage that fell onto their property, already paid for that stuff. Was there a place to check off on our tax forms that said, "Send me back a couple of bucks; I don't want to keep funding NASA"?

I must have missed it.

Meantime, the so-called "Department of Homeland Security" Monday warned that "families should consider designating a room where they will gather in the event of such an attack and have on hand duct tape and heavy plastic sheeting to seal it, as well as scissors, a manual can opener, blankets, flashlights, radios and spare batteries."

Then the DHS added, according to the rabidly anti-self-defense Washington Post, "Americans must take some responsibility for protecting themselves."

Does anyone notice a particular, common household tool not mentioned in the above list -- the one tool they're going to need if Americans finally wise up and do start "taking some personal responsibility for protecting themselves"?

Are Gov. Ridge and the other "ranking officials at the Department of Homeland Security" saying we ought to carry our guns and ammo with us into these "safe rooms"? And if so, are they calling on Congress to finally exercise its powers under the 14th and 2nd Amendments to overrule, cancel, abrogate and repeal every supposed state and local ordinance which "abridges the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States" to "keep and bear arms" -- starting with the "gun control" laws of Los Angeles, Washington, and New York City?

Wow -- the federal government actually promising to overrule state laws in order to restore more of our freedoms? That would be a switch.

I decided to check it out. So Wednesday afternoon I called directory assistance for Washington, D.C., and asked for the number of the Department of Homeland Security.

The diligent gal on the other end of the line couldn't find it.

So I finally gave up and called the White House.

"We still have the old number for the Homeland Security Office," the nice lady said, "but I'm not sure if there's anyone still there."

As I write this, it's been 29 hours since I left my name and number and a brief summary of my question. No one has called back.

So my advice, should you see a North Korean missile speeding overhead -- or the five Arab guys who live next door wrapping belts full of Semtex or C-4 around their waists and then hopping the airport shuttle?

Use that heavy plastic to keep your ammo boxes dry. 'Cause you sure aren't gonna do much good calling Washington, D.C.

Vin Suprynowicz is assistant editorial page editor of the Review-Journal and 
author of the books "Send in the Waco Killers" and "The Ballad of Carl Drega."